I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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