thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
