I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
