so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
