my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize