hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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