it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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