i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
