I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
These tits shall not be calmed
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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