Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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