Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
