I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
