So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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