to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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