Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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