I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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