My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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