i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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