my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize