I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
