Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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