I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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