I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's never too late to be topless.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
