I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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