I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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