woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He passed out mid-signature
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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