I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
