is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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