I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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