You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
