Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
