my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
