Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
nutella sex= disaster
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
