This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
