I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
