Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
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