I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
