I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
