You smell like a Billy Joel song
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
In America we eat man semen.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
