oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
