Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
