just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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