We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
