I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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