A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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