Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
