she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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