Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
