Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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