pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
We need to rekindle our bromance
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
