Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
