the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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