Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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