ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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