Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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