i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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