You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
His nipple licking is glorious
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