she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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